Tuesday, June 10, 2008
as John Mayer says it (in his song) "say what you need to say... its better to say too much, rather than not say enough..."
look, i'm not mad, sad, depressed and NOT even emoing about this.
but it's a problem i have to put forward- even if it hurts when i say:-
1. what if you have a best friend? but funnily enough, you don't even know what's going on in his life? and when you find out things from other people, you ask him about it, and he merely says he doesn't trust you enough and that he'd rather trust someone else. he only bonds with you when he's emoing, you offer comfort, but after that, he'll ignore you for the rest of the day.
the problem, dear Reader, is this.
(a) best friends are people who share a piece of each other's life. i share things. i tell. but he doesn't. i don't even know what is happening??!! you call that a friend?!!
(b) best friends treat each other equally. there is no such thing as "i trust you more than i trust her" or any of that crap. look, if you don't bloody trust me, then, HOW DARE you call me YOUR best friend?! just bloody say this "you're my good friend (and not best friend instead)
(c) and i'm like what? his last resort (as a good friend of mine puts it)??!! he only needs me when he's emoing, other than that, i just sit there like a wallpaper? like, i come down to his last choice, is that it? comes running to me "i'm lost, confused" so me being a kind soul comforts him, but after that? nothing?
i'm not asking for much. but i'm not even regarded as a friend, how can YOU keep insisting that i am? maybe its not true.
2. then there's another one. she's your best pal ever and you go read her blog, and she declares (rather spitefully) you're a flirt.
the problem.
(a) what kind of friend, who you put a lot of faith and trust on, says false and untrue things about you? she, of course, NEVER considered my feelings- as though i am emotionless??!!
(b) if its a big issue to her, talk about it nicely then! i have no intentions but only to make friends, she immediately jumps to a false and immensely stupid conclusion.
(c) so what? that means she also talks behind my back? i don't even do that to her. and to make things clear, its the friends' decision if they want to be acquainted with me- they don't need any outside opinion unless they ask for it. but other than that, its FINE.
2 people who i thought were one of the best people i know, and it hurts when they turn out to be the EXACT OPPOSITE of what you expect.
Reader, you probably know who i'm talking about. i don't want to mention any names- because i CONSIDER their feelings.
i'm not saying both are bad people. i'm just wanna ask "what went wrong?"
i don't think any of these is their fault. but i KNOW i never did anything.
and to you both if you guys are reading this, you HAVE to know how i feel.
after all, whether i like it or not, you guys are still, and always are, my best friends.
i hope i made this clear. i'm saying this in a casual manner.
but yes, it's been very bitter for me.
for the June holidays, i made a few resolutions, and just yesterday, i realised i wanna try to become firm and a little insensitive.
i'm too soft, my good friend says. too forgiving. its me always apologising first, whether or not its my fault.
i've got to make my heart a little cold then. because if i don't, people will take advantage of my soft nature.
they'll think "hey! its alright if i keep making the mistake and hurt Pauline, because anyway, eventually, she'll apologise; and i don't have to do anything!!"
WTH. IS THAT IT?? i don't want to keep getting hurt!! i'm sick and tired.
damn, too tired to be angry anyway.
these situations are thorns on my foot- help, i'm bleeding.
so i won't want to say anything anymore.SILENCE.
quote: 'even at the bad side, there's a bit of good in it.'
Stuffs I painted @ 5:56 PM
